Spoiler Alert – I’m a terrible introvert.

North Carolina has moved to Phase 2. This means, for those of us that are ready, self isolation can start coming to an end gently making way for social activities. Before self isolation I thought I was a perfectly good introvert. I was going to clean closets, detail my car, learn the accordion, brush up on my very remedial Japanese, make fancy dinners and the list went on. Being someone that worked from home and didn’t tend to go ‘out and about’ it felt like an introvert paradise.

Spoiler alert – I’m a terrible introvert.

It was novel at first. I straightened up a closet, tackled a yard project even started that book languishing on my night stand. Then work slowed down so I lost some structure there, the husband was home everyday continuing to blur the lines between days. Meal planning brought no joy because the stores were struggling to keep their supplies consistent. My muscle memory wasn’t capable of assimilating anything new so the accordion became confusing. Things that brought me joy just didn’t, not anymore.

I sat down at my sewing machine on a Saturday, one of my most favorite things to do; play in my fabric stash and create something new. We needed fabric masks, I found a pattern that I liked, spent time selecting and cutting fabric. I was gonna make something and it was gonna be awesome, surely this would cheer me up and add purpose to my day. I finished, proudly looked at my new fabric masks in polka dots, stripes and peacock feathers – I felt worse, so much worse. I was frustrated I didn’t feel better, frustrated I had to spend time sewing for a pandemic. I didn’t want to sew because of a pandemic, I wanted to sew because I wanted to sew. I was devastated and felt lost.

I don’t even know how to explain the weeks that followed, I was just kinda going through the motions feeling like a terrible introvert. I’m very thankful for the relationship with my therapist. We talked about integrating the new normal, being okay with going with the flow and (what turned out to be most important) being kind with myself. I jokingly called it being mindful to be mindful. Mostly just oodles of conscience reminders that I’m resilient, flexible and can do hard things (cause this is hard).

I’ve not perfected it, and I’m sure I’ll wreck it a few more times – otherwise it wouldn’t be a process. I’ve been enjoying time with the neighbor ladies, we sit outside keeping a social distance appreciating each others company. Giggled myself into hysterics over some really strange but informative scientific research about bats. Amused myself with puzzles, new cookbooks from different regions and reading my first graphic novel.

For the first time in a while I feel content.

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